A Letter from Satan

Dear USA,

I have been meaning to write this letter for years, but like everyone else, I get so busy with my day-to-day work I don’t seem to have the time. It was this recent school shooting that finally motivated me to sit down and get writing.

You see, trying to bring darkness into as many people’s lives as possible can be quite challenging. As anyone in management knows, increasing productivity is an endless task. I originally came up with pestilence, famine, and recently, Covid, but these things bring about a form of darkness that can be explained. There are different levels of darkness, and my favorite, hands down, are senseless killings as they seem tragically unexplainable. They are totally unexpected, and for each person killed, darkness is instantly brought into the lives of all the people close to the deceased. In this case, I need only bring darkness into the life of one person who then commits a senseless killing, and voila, instant darkness into the lives of all the friends and family of the deceased person. My productivity skyrockets exponentially, and I barely have to lift a finger!

Twenty-five years ago, if someone came to me and said, “Hey Satan, I can increase your productivity anywhere from 10 to 40 times,” I would have thrown them out on their ear. You can’t imagine how excited I was to find that you managed to legalize assault rifles. A weapon whose sole purpose is to kill as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. I am getting old here, but I was actually doing handsprings down the hall.

So now, I need only bring darkness into one person’s life, and with an assault rifle, this person can wreak darkness into the lives of hundreds of people in a matter of minutes, or better yet, seconds. My productivity has increased 10 to 40 times, and I can’t thank you enough.